The IAAF, world athletics’ governing body, has today announced that it will be changing the rules in some sprint events to make it easier for Usain Bolt to win.
The news follows the Jamaican athlete’s recent disqualification from the world 100m championships final, where Bolt was judged to have false-started. The proposed rule changes involve the abolition of the false start rule for any athlete ranked in the world top 10, giving byes to the final for anyone whose first name begins with the letter ‘U,’ as well as the option of a head start for anyone who has broken 9.6 seconds before.
Lord Sebastian Coe, vice president of the IAAF, said in today’s press conference: “It is morally wrong that someone with such an enormous, er, reputation, should have to suffer the indignity of disqualification for an offence as minor as starting five seconds before everyone else.” The former Olympic champion also told the world’s press that “It would be a real tragedy if Bolt were not to win the 100m, 200m, 400m, relay and long jump at my, sorry, London’s Olympics next year.” Coe also added, bizarrely “When can I be Prime Minister? This microphone is off, right?”
The new rules are not without critics, however. Several leading newspapers such as the Views of the World and the Daily Male have questioned the fairness of the rule changes. Meanwhile, a group of athletes is planning legal action against the IAAF. The group will be led by Bolt’s compatriot Asafa Powell, who told reporters “I really want to win this case. Oh, and a major championships too.”
Bolt himself was unavailable for comment on the matter, and was last seen eating chicken nuggets in a South Korean branch of McDonalds.